This was originally co-written on a now-defunct local blog called Gamebros, some years ago, with a slightly different title (“10 Magic Cards with Totally WTF Art”). All MtG card images used were taken from magiccards.info and are property of Wizards of the Coast. In order to protect their anonymity, all instances of the original authors’ names have been replaced with their gamertags.
Shin Hobo: So Pervantes de Leon and I were thinking–
Pervantes de Leon: ‘Innat ‘Me and Pervantes de Leon?’
SH: So Gamebros’ token card gaming guy and his depraved cohort (PdL: That’s me) were thinking that a blog ain’t a real blog until it’s got an article with a list of some sort. [Editor’s note: SH was mistaken. We’ve already had a list.] Because as we all know, Cracked is the most credible source of information on the internet since 4chan.
PdL: Except Wikipedia, of course. Shit got me through college!
SH: After zero mulling over and absolutely no productive discussion, we decided to put together some Magic card art through the years that really just makes you do the People’s Eyebrow. Unfortunately, this shit’s insanely difficult to rank so we took our individual picks and grabbed the Top 10 of ‘em all…which Gamebros now presents to you in no particular order.
PdL: Ranking ‘em up would take forever.
SH: Anyway, on with the show!
SH: Mmm, yes. Bind that earth you nasty, nasty bitch.
PdL: There’s definitely mounds being bound. Back in the olden days it was either this, or Gwendlyn Di Corci who were the crown jewel of many MTG collectors’ “special page” There was also Essence Vortex but the lady there looked frighteningly like Ellen DeGeneres, so…
SH: This is gonna be like that Kachiko page in every L5R Legacy binder, innit?
PdL: The art’s a lot of things, but you can definitely say its true to what the card’s called. That’s a horde, and they look horrible.
SH: Whatever these people were smoking, I want some of that.
PdL: You do know card artists were paid peanuts back then? It’s probably something cheap and brain-melting. Explains a lot, really.
SH: Remember kids, Shin Hobo does not at all endorse gaming under the influence!
SH: Yannow what? I wanted to make a dick pun but this guy, just…this guy.
PdL: It makes all the puns for you. Look at that flavor text. In any case, Let me link you to a certain TV Tropes page… This guy’s got issues. Take a look at his other cards: Withering Boon, Teferi’s Curse. What’s with him and pudgy goblinoid/orky people… Also, ghetto orc bootay.
SH: His River Boa don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
SH: So. Are you gonna make the racist joke or shall I?
PdL: Racist joke? This card is ALL THE RACIST JOKES.
SH: It’s fundamentally wrong that this card’s blue and not white.
PdL: White card.
SH: Well, I’m sure you all saw it coming.
PdL: That guy in the foreground certainly did.
SH: Suck it, Dan Brown.
SH: BEHOLD MY TRUE FORM AND DESPAAAAIIIIR!
PdL: Looks kinda like some chick we knew in college.
SH: …which one?
SH: This card writes its own bad pun! That is some literal dicking around.
PdL: Talk about having a sex drive.
PdL: Chewbacca and Skeletor, newest members of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Or is it Yawgmoth’s Witnesses?
SH: “Excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment to talk about Yawgmoth, our lord and savior?”
PdL: Give a big hand of applause to the three lost members of the Acolytes! Don’t they look “special”?
SH: Coming this Ice Age: Dominaria Summer Slam.
PdL: This is one of the least intimidating portraits of a demon I’ve seen. Fear his gormless expression, mismatched horns and single salami-sized nipple!
SH: Sweet mother of fuck, it’s Voldo’s secret ending!
Just to facilitate discussion, the authors of this article would also like to throw in the rest of the cards from their shortlists. Several of these stayed there because Shin Hobo wasn’t listening and thought they were picking “funny card art” instead of “WTF card art.”
Pervantes de Leon
Howl from Beyond (International Collector’s Edition)
Counterspell (Seventh Edition)
Merfolk of the Pearl Trident
Gaseous Form (Fourth Edition)
Llanowar Elves (Old art, you all know the one.)
Word of Command
Unholy Strength (censored)
Giant Strength (Fourth Edition)
Kobolds of Kher Keep
It’s been years since this was on Gamebros so the authors just might get together and see if any cards from recent editions might have made it to the list were they to re-write it. For example, Shin Hobo finds the new Skrillex card particularly amusing.