Welcome to WTF Wattpad, where a couple of lucky What’s A Geek writers get to read and live through a unique torture technique called Wattpad. We’re still working through Raped and Got Pregnant By A Vampire Prince. Join us as we read this glorious piece of work.
If you’re ready, take a couple of shots and read on. SPOILER ALERT: Nobody can be truly ready for this wonderfully-written piece of literature.
Last time, we got to know Julienne Hale (seriously, that’s her name), hapless personal assistant to vampire prince Lawrence. Prince Lawrence lives in a castle somewhere in the Philippines. She is invited to his room, and was… taken advantage of by Prince Lawrence. Three days later, Prince Lawrence’s butler, named Mr. Butler, discovers that she is pregnant. She then sees Lawrence making out with his ex, failed heiress (???) Marj, and runs away. Okay, standard soap opera fare so far, except this wonderful piece of literature involves vampire princes and bad grammar.
Lots and lots of bad grammar.
RJ: I’m on Chapter 5. I don’t know what’s happening.
Ade: Chapter 5 is called “Damn!” It. Raises. So. Many. Questions. Like: why is the story suddenly in Prince Lawrence’s POV? Why does he have a butler named Mr. Butler? Why am I still reading? Why is it called “Damn!”
RJ: COZ THE VAMPIRE PRINCE SAYS “DAMN” AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.
“What do you want Marj?”-I asked bitterly.
“You babe.”-she seductively said at itinulak ako dahilan na mapaupo sa sofa. She sat on my lap grinding hers on mine and started to kiss me. I didn’t know why but I responded to her kisses. I somehow missed her kisses. Don’t blame me, I loved her once. But while we where kissing, only one person came into my mind.
My Julienne. My love. My mate.
It took me twenty minutes before I realized what I am doing was wrong. I immediately pushed Margie away from me and stood up.
“Get out Margie. I don’t love you anymore.”-I said bitterly
“Then why did you kiss me back babe?”-she smirked
“I thought she was you.”-I glared at her.
Rika: We… where… kissing…………………………………………….
Ade: You were talking to Marj…. and when she kissed you…. she suddenly turned into Julienne in your mind……?
RJ: As a man with poor eyesight, I ~*totally*~ understand how Prince Lawrence made the mistake of accidentally making out with his ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t his fault, guys!
Rika: We’re still reading this right? I mean… we’re all in this together. Right?!
My ex-girlfriend, who left me because of her fucking ambition of being the chosen heiress but she failed.
Rika: What I want to know is how someone can be the “chosen heiress” and fail. Was there a test? Was she not vampire enough?
Pam: I’m gonna add another really important question on top of our mountain of questions. Why does she hate commas?
Rika: And she hates grade school grammar books?
My twins, Sofia and Jaze are now at their 6th year. 6 years old but mature enough to give you valuable advices, funny eh? At my 5th month of pregnancy, I went to the doctor and found out I’m having twins and that made me much more happy but a little empty. My kids kept on asking where there dad is and I keep on changing the topic. Si Justin ang tinatawag nilang daddy, sabi ko namang hindi nila daddy si Justin pero sasagot lang sayo ng “we want him to be our dad” so ayun. You know, somehow I missed my babies’ real dad, but the question is, did he miss me? Probably , no.
Rika: Holy wait a timeskip. Six years!
RJ: SUDDENLY, 6YR OLD TWINS
Ade: Wait. She got impregnated by a vampire. And she’s saying that she went to a doctor. I wonder how the appointment went?
“Hey doc, I’m carrying half-human half-vampire twins. NBD.”
Or do they have vampire doctors? I don’t fucking understand how any of this works.
Pam: You know why I wish there wasn’t a timeskip? Because I was hoping for one of dem Twilight/Alien sort of birth sequences. That was highly relevant to my interests.
Rika: That would have been a great chapter tbh. Perhaps we could recommend some Lovecraftian reading material to the author so she can insert a new chapter.
It’s been six years and I haven’t seen her. I felt like dying but something keeps telling me that she’ll come back. How was she living her life without me but with my baby? Maybe my child looked just like me, or maybe her.
To brush things off my mind, I went to the mall. Everywhere I looked, I see a family. A mother, a father, and their kids. Kailan kaya ako magkakaroon ng ganyan? Ugh! I’m so fucked up! I made another glance in front of me and my heart skipped a beat. No, my heart was pumping hard like it’s gonna burst out of my chest!
Ade: Or maybe you should stop obsessing over the woman you fucking raped six years ago…?
Pam: You feel like dying? But you’re already dead, Lawrence…
Ugh! I’m so fucked up!
Rika: WOW, you realize this only now?!
Ade: That’s probably the author’s own thoughts slipping into the narration.
Rika: That’s too meta, even for the author.
Rika: Did you just…
Khan: Hi, I just got here. Speed read ’til Chapter 7. Regretting my decision.
Rika: Good job. Please hold this bucket while I empty the contents of my stomach.
Ade: When we started this, we thought it was going to be a fun exercise. We’d find bad stories on Wattpad, make fun of them, and move on with our lives. But Chapter 7… changes everything. This is when this novel jumps from hilariously misguided and terribly written to the territory of totally fucking disturbing.
For context, Julienne, her best friend Justin-
RJ: WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN? Seriously. I need answers!
Ade: -and the twins fly back to the Philippines (I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY LEFT THE COUNTRY) when they see Prince Lawrence. And this happens.
“Bitiwan mo nga ako!”-utos ko sa kanya sabay hila ng braso ko.
“Answer me honestly and if you don’t, I’ll bit you on the neck.”-he warned
“Why did you ran away?”-he asked
“I didn’t. I told the Butler I’d visit my friends.”-I answered.
He suddenly leaned on my neck and bit me. I screamed in pain but he covered my mouth. He then licked the blood that dripped down my neck leaving no trace in it.
“Answer.”-he smirked and pulled his hand away from my mouth as tears started to drop.
“I.. *sob* left .. because I saw you kissing another woman in your office the day I was about to tell you the news. I lie—“-I was cut off when he suddenly kissed me.
“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”-he apologized
“Which of those kids are mine?”-he asked closing his eyes
I stayed silent for a while and answered.
“Both yours.”-I answered.
He immediately looked at me with happiness in his eyes.
“They’re twins?”-he asked amazed.
I nodded bowing my head. He caressed my cheeks and whispered on my ear.
“I fucking love you so Damn much, my love.”-he whispered and kissed me passionately as I responded to his kisses.
Rika: ….And this is why I hate couples at malls.
Ade: Jesus. Fucking. CHRIST. Dude just assaults a woman in front of her kids. And forcibly kisses her. In public.
Pam: He’s a Vampire Prince, though, so I guess that makes it kosher.
Khan: He can do whatever he wants.
Ade: Except getting consent, apparently.
RJ: Chapter 7 is the worst so far. HOW DARE YOU KISS ANOTHER WOMAN AFTER RAPING ME
Ade: GIRL. HE RAPED YOU. HE SURE AS FUCK WON’T BE FUCKING FAITHFUL.
RJ: I KISSED MY EX BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOU OKAY
Khan: Wait. Is RJ still reading or is he recalling?
RJ: Pretty sure I’ve seen this happen in Mall of Asia. Couple fights in public. Guy tries to force a kiss, gets slapped instead. Girl kisses him anyway 2 minutes later. MAYBE THIS STORY IS BASED ON REAL EVENTS.
Ade: Let’s… let’s take a break. Please. I need to lie down. Next week: Prince Lawrence plans a kidnapping! Mr. Butler has a secret profession! Justin confesses his love! Oh boy, I can’t wait to read the rest of this story! *drinks poison*
What happens next to our bitey, rapey, assault-y vampire prince? Why hasn’t Julienne turned into a vampire yet even though she’s been bitten multiple times? Why do we all have an overwhelming urge to drive pointed objects up our eyes? Why is the fifth bottle of vodka already empty? Wait for the next installment of WTF Wattpad, where none of these questions will be answered!