Welcome to another installment of WTF Wattpad, where we get a lucky What’s A Geek Writer to plumb the depths of despair (otherwise known as Wattpad) for badly-written fiction. Then we all review it and slowly lose grip on sanity. This week, Editor-In-Chief Rika Sioson found this romance novel between two gay werewolves, since we did vampires first. Circle of life kind of thing. Who knows, we’ll do asexual mermaids next?
This week, we have Rika, Pam, Ade, RJ, and Khan, with our special guests: RM, What’s A Geek’s Social Media MVP, and Noey, who is basically everyone’s mom.
Anyway, let’s get started with Claimed by my Bully!
Roman Jonathan Weis, RJ for short, is the son of Alpha Jakob and Luna Aisha. Not all alpha’s children get the happy life.Some gets the short end of the stick.
RJ is being bullied in school. His coping mechanism? cutting, drugs, alcohol.
What happens when one of his bullies happen to be his mate?
SEQUEL TO THE ABUSED LUNA but a stand alone story.
BXB, TRIGGER WARNING, HEAVY LANGUAGE, MATURE CONTENT
Khan: This is a SEQUEL??!?
Pam: “Cutting, drugs, alcohol.” Super, duper, duper edgy and mature, I see.
Rika: Tee hee, his name is RJ. *snickersnort* Is he gonna read this with us?
RJ: No. I refuse to do this. No! NO. Yamete kudasai~
Ade: Is that what you said to the big bad bullies, RJ?
Ade: For once, Rika, I am happy that we found a story with borderline correct grammar. Raped and got Pregnant by a Vampire Prince just drove me insane.
Rika: You’re welcome :3
RJ: “His coping mechanism? cutting, drugs, alcohol.” This sounds like me in college, except I cut classes, not myself.
Rika: So, who’s the bully that claimed you? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Ade: The Abused Luna sounds like a terrible Heneral Luna werewolf fanfic.
Rika: I dunno, sounds pretty great to me. Maybe it’s a BDSM fic.
Ade: Check out the comments in the front page. Somebody’s giving tips on how to do heroin right.
Ade: Aaaaaaand we’re off to a great start.
RM: The commenter is kinda right though – better to take it in clean than hurt yourself even more.
Khan: At least they have the other readers’ health in mind. Unfortunately, they’re reading this, so this may be a moot point.
Another day, another torture.
I sighed as I woke up. I took a quick bath and dressed up.
I’m the alpha’s son. I have 5 other siblings.
Out of the six, I’m the different one.
I’m the one without friends.The one pack members hate. The one who’s bullied.
Rika: Yes but why does the author hate paragraphs?
Pam: I was about to say…
Ade: He’s a poet. Don’t question his artistic liberties with the structure of the English language.
Rika: I think the author’s a girl.
RM: High school girl
Pam: I also think the author loves them “a quick brown fox” simpleton sentences.
Drinking isn’t my only escape, I cut. It leaves cuts because its custom made with silver. Again, I asked one of our pack members to do it so no one knows except for that guy.
Noey: I’m confused. So what is it he’s using to cut or did he ask his pack member for blood play??? o_0
Rika: Quite possibly. Favors for, uh, stuff…
Noey: …Because the “Alpha’s Son” of course, of course >.>
Khan: Wait, is that how it works? Does he use silver because he *wants* to scar?
I cut on my wrist and during training I cover it with sweat bands. If I run out of space, I cut in my thighs.
My phone rang and I saw it was my mom.
“What mom?” I asked.
“That is no way to talk to me mister. I know you’ve been stressed lately with school” She said.
Oh you have no idea.
“So if you want, I am allowing you to visit Nate’s pack. Just to get your mind of things you know?” She said.
“Sure. I’ll go. Can I go now or later?”
“Preferably after school” She replied.
“Kay” I said.
“Bye dear. Love you”
Ade: So RJ’s a loner who gets bullied and wears sweat bands. I see why he gets bullied a lot. Fucking lose the sweat bands, dude.
Rika: Are we talking about the story’s RJ or our RJ?
Ade: At least this character has more to him than Julienne Hale. Marginally.
Rika: Can we stop calling back to that first piece, Ade? I can feel my IQ drop with every mention.
Khan: “What mom?”
Rika: Is that a your mom joke?
Pam: And can I start a petition for commas? They could be everyone’s best friend.
Khan: hey man i know some ppl who are in hospital with commas
School is the usual.
Getting teased and bullied every period.
Eating alone for lunch.
Getting shoved on the lockers.
Finally this day is over!
Pam: EXPOSITION AND TRANSITIONAL PARAGRAPHS. EVER HEARD OF THEM?
Khan: Doesn’t sound so bad. He can always climb back down off the lockers.
Rika: And we thought the previous WTF WattPad had weird timeskips.
Pam: To guide our readers through these amazing timeskips:
RJ’s evil brother’s best friend Marcus discovered has discovered his drinking.
RJ proceeds to flee to Uncle Nate and Uncle Warren.
RJ is greeted by hottie pack warrior Adam.
I went down and he took my place. I sat behind him. I hugged him and felt his muscles.
Just so you know, Adam is bi. We have this ‘thing’ but we’re not official.
Am I hoping to be official with him? Hell yeah.
His mate died last year. Though time for him. We met when we were both buying drugs from this guy.
We stopped little by little since we got to know each other.
He knows about my cutting and drinking. He knows everything.
Pam: Our high school cutting alcoholic has excellent taste in men – oh, right. High school, cutting alcoholic.
AND THEN, MORE ON TIMESKIPS:
Uncle Nate and Uncle Warren Know because werewolves be telepathic like that.
Adam discovers that RJ is cutting.
Adam is Disappoint.
And Pam would like to know if she’s copying the author’s style well enough.
Rika: Pretty well, actually. Did you write this?
Pam: Obviously not. I can spell.
Khan: Pam, can I play this character in the next game? I want to see who kills me first, you, or the other party members.
Pam: …No, get out.
RJ: This RJ fellow sounds like an asshole. A time-travelling asshole.
Khan: Wibbly-wobbly werewolves.
I was immediately ordered to go to the pack hospital.
Adam was with me the whole time but haven’t said a word.
Apparently I cut too deep and it needed stitches.
No doubt that my parents already know. Adam haven’t said a word since our confrontation.
Pam: “Hasn’t”. H A S N ‘ T. As in, has + not. Everyone, say it with me!
Rika: It with me!
RM: Hasht5. Wait what. *sneaks off to write hasht5 fanfic*
Khan: Is this hospital in a castle, too? Is the doctor a butler?
Pam: Now for a drugging up scene, featuring more awkward timeskips and a lot of chuckling.
“I need a breather” I said then rode my bike.
That lie was too easy. I drove to the next city, which also happens to be no man’s land.
I texted my supplier.
‘Back on business! I NEED some H. -RJ’
‘I’ll be waiting-XX’
I arrived at the abandoned werehouse we used to do the deals.
Rika: Haaaah, even the house is a shapeshifter. Shouldn’t it be called a mimic, and not a werehouse?
RM: I am literally rolling on the floor. Warehouse – werehouse? Get it?
Khan: So what is it when it’s not the full moon? Is it some poor fellow who was bitten by a house?
Rika: This is what happens when you get splinters from a werehouse.
I got the heroin, toilet paper tube, lighter and an aluminum foil and I gave him the cash.
I placed the heroin in the aluminum foil and heated it through the lighter. I inhaled the vapor using the toilet paper tube.
Oh that feeling is blissful.
“RJ?” I looked up and saw Tyler and his friends.
“Hey” I said.
“What’s that?” Marcus asked firmly.
“Nothing” I said giggling.
“Why are you here?” Tyler asked panicked.
I don’t really get what’s the big deal.
“Why are you here?” I said chuckling again and emphasizing the ‘you’.
“We have a party nearby. Now why are you here?” Marcus demanded.
“Just having fun” I chuckled.
I finished the rest of the heroin and walked to my motorcycle laughing.
The world is beautiful.
I hopped on my motorcycle.
“Oh no you are not riding that by yourself.” James said.
“Eh, then how will I get home?” I said chuckling.
“What kind of stuff does your brother do? Seriously if he gets hurt, we’ll be in trouble! Our scents are on him!” Max, a pack warrior’s son, said.
Before anyone can answer I sped off.
Ade: Oh, so a werehouse is a crackhouse for werewolves? Why does it have to have a special name? Why not call it a werewolf crackhouse? Does it also change form every full moon?
Rika: I think the naming system will explain itself in chapter 4. #IYKWIM
Khan: “I finished the rest of the heroin” – god, I love how it sounds like he stopped for a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ade: And he’s sober enough to speed off on his motorcycle after finishing his heroin!
Pam: There’s a helpful author’s note at the end of the chapter, by the way.
Thank you so much for the support!
First off I have no idea what heroin does to you so pleas e just pretend that that’s what happens when you do drugs. Thanks.
I DO NOT do drugs. I researched on how heroin is being smoked for this story! 🙂
Pam: Sweetie, part of me wishes that you WERE on drugs.
Ade: I wish I was on drugs. It’s like a super-edgy poem (Cutting! Drugs! Nothing rhymes!) written by a fourteen year old girl who just finished smoking her Marlboro Lights. While her mascara is running due to crying.
Rika: While Evanescence is playing in the background.
RM: *closes Youtube tab with Evanescence and 00’s Emo Playlist*
Ade: Also, you don’t have to take drugs to know what heroin does to you. Just plug “heroin effects” in this thing called Google. You took the time to know how to smoke it, you could’ve put in more effort to find out what it does to you.
RJ: I, too, want drugs. The kind that makes you forget reading shite like this, or being part of a website that is obviously run by assholes.
Khan: This story is an excellent story regarding drugs in that it makes me want to shoot up after that last excerpt.
RM: My biggest gripe is that wolf packs don’t work the way she writes it! You fight to become the alpha, you aren’t born into it. But I digress, they are werewolves after all.
Rika: Yay pack dynamics!
Noey: I don’t know if I want to claw my eyes out or die laughing into a pillow.
Khan: Doesn’t anyone watch NatGeo anymore? First the Indominus Rex from Jurassic World, suddenly this. Also, I noticed Ade hasn’t used any reaction images yet, so I’m dipping into my stash.
Pam: At this point, we’d like to note that the author seems to going for this whole artsy switching POV techniques, to match the edginess of her subject matter. Case in point: an intervention scene, done from Marcus’ perspective. Also, some dramatic agony from “I know RJ from the inside out” Adam.
RM: Thanks, Pam. Without you telling us this, I wouldn’t even understand whatever was supposed to be happening.
Rika: Heh, “inside out.” Heh.
Ade: I hope RJ cleaned up first before Adam got to know him inside out.
Shit! Trust RJ to make noise when I specifically told him not to!
“Adam?” Alpha asked.
“Uh-oh busted!” RJ joked.
RJ: Stop making noise, RJ. You little shit!
Pam: SUPER dramatic.
Ade: … double shit? I’m well-versed in the fine art of cursing, and I’ve never heard of “double shit.” Is that the new edgy thing kids do nowadays?
Rika: Maybe he needed to poop. Twice.
Ade: Because of the heroin? Got it.
RM: The first shit is for the human and the second is for the wolf, guys. Come on. Imagination powers!
Khan: DABBURU SHITTO
“Bring him up to the confinement room.” Alpha Warren ordered.
I nodded in response. This has happened before and we do what we always do, strap him up in the confinement room.
The confinement room is basically a room with nothing but a bed and handcuffs. No its not for kinky stuff. More like untamed/ uncontrollable wolves.
Pam: It’s like our author felt the need to remind us what we’re (supposedly) here for, aka gay werewolf sex. You know, just in case they were falling asleep already. Like me.
Rika: It does make a good bedtime story. In the sense that it helps you fall asleep.
Noey: … am a little stuck on how considering werewolves are generally supposed to be strong, those must be some mighty sturdy handcuffs.
Pam: Chapter 3 goes on with more hand-wringing and accusations and ridiculously basic werewolf politics, and crawls to a stop with this romantic scene:
I huffed and went to the confinement room.
“Look at the mess you did!”I scolded jokingly at the unconscious boy.
“Adam” He whispered sleeply.
I smiled and positioned myself next to him.
“I won’t” I whispered.
He cuddled next to me and we both fell into deep sleep.
Ade: What a surprise! I also fell into a deep sleep reading this!
Pam: The author has yet another author’s note about how Chapter 4 will contain “lovey-dovey stuff”, so…
Ade: WTF is up with Wattpad and author’s notes? If your work is good enough to get your message across, you do not need notes. Unless you want to warn us how terrible your writing is, which – spoiler alert- we already know.
Rika: Shhhh, it’s the most entertaining part of the chapter, Ade.
Pam: …Oh my god. You’re right.
Here’s some lovey-dovey stuff, by the way.
I woke up snuggled in Adam’s chest.
“Adam” I whined.
“What?” He asked huskily.
“The cuffs!” I exclaimed.
“Nate said a week” He said sleepily.
“I need to shower and breakfast! WAKE UP!”
He groaned and sat down.
“Good morning” He said staring at my lips.
Slowly we both leaned it.
His lips met mine and we started kissing fiercely.
His lips traced my lower lips asking for entrance.
I decided to tease him and keep my mouth close. He groaned and I smirked against his lips.
He then stroked my shaft, making me gasp.
He insirted his tongue immediately.
Pam: Okay. Full stop. “Shaft”??? I’m getting images of some dirty-looking twink asking a building’s air vent for entrance and proceeding to go Gollum on it. By the way, woman, LEARN TO SPELL CHECK.
Ade: WAIT. DID NATE JUST INSERT HIS TONGUE IN RJ’S URETHRA? NO, DUDE, NO. NO. NO. OUCH. NO. PSA: DON’T PUT STUFF IN THE PEEHOLE.
Rika: Ade, it’s Adam and RJ. Are you– are you fantasizing about Noey’s brother?!
Noey: /SPEWS HER COFFEE
Pam: HAHAHA BRB NEED TO DIE A BIT.
Ade: … oh god. I can’t edit this part out, can I?
[EDITOR’S NOTE: NOPE.]
RJ: … which brother?
Khan: Behave, RJ.
Rika: Are they naked already? Did the author timeskip that part, too??? But stripping is the fun part!
Rika: … Although shaft does kind of brings me back to when I started in the BL fandom. Like, maybe 20 years ago. Fuck, I’m old.
Pam: It gets better, Rika.
We fought for dominance, which he eventually won.
He uncuffed my ankles without breaking the kiss. He flipped us over and now I’m stradling him.
His hard jr. against my butt.
I moaned loudly.
Pam: “His hard jr. [fucking sic, “junior”]”
Rika: Full disclosure: I’m giggling like a ten-year-old. Why can’t they call the penis as it is? A penis. Penis penis penis penis.
Ade: Pretty edgy, calling it “jr.” – you wouldn’t want someone calling it a “bird.”
Pam: My personal favorite is “member”.
RJ: What if she used ASCII? 8=====D
Ade: Is she going to call it a “peepee” yet?
Pam: …Wow yeah, “peepee” is a mood killer. Who the fuck would find that sexy…………..
RM: Actually, there are a lot of people who would find that sexy. *starts Google-ing*
Pam: I… I didn’t want an answer to that…
Ade: I dunno, if somebody put their tongue in my peehole, my mood would be killed so hard.
Rika: That isn’t even sexy, I agree.
Khan: What if someone put their tongue in your junior?
Pam: Now, now, guys. Let’s not start kinkshaming. #WattPadAuthorFeelingsMatter
Khan: …how is there a struggle for dominance if one of you is already cuffed? Doesn’t that kinda skew things already? Do I learn a thing today?
Next week: Khan learns a thing! Gripping and entertaining werewolf politics! Something about the Moon Goddess! RJ finds a mate! A big-ass teddy bear! Some dude named Dwayne! Sex doesn’t work that way! More dick jokes! Stay tuned for the next installment of WTF Wattpad: Claimed by my Bully, where we read this stuff so you don’t have to.